Losing Magic ... Finding Miracle.

Daddy, I have tried.  I have fought many battles. Although many not fought right, but I have fought hard. I have tried. I hope you'd understand. and forgive me.

3:46am. It was a slow Monday. Words were in the air. We were all at the office working and doing what we do. I washed my hands after eating my chicken at 6:15pm and looked out the window towards the field. There you were in your black long pants and white t-shirt over a black inside. You were sitting on that bench we always sit on.  I walked over and sat beside you in silence while we saw young boys playing football and people doing their evening exercise. The clouds were moving towards the left. The wind was blowing a constant flow. We sat and admired the sky turning colours and changing forms. We marvelled at the setting sky.  We talked. And we talked. We talked about so many things.  I felt so free. So liberated. I felt like I could be really honest, for once, with a friend. Perhaps for the first time in a long, long time, I was walking beside a friend. She wasn't a wife, a partner, a commitment. She became a friend. It was the most beautiful thing to be able to come o...

Movies and Music. These used to be my favourite things to spend time with to pass time and to fill up long days. I have now lost interest in watching any movies or listening to music. My days and nights are empty silence. I drift through the dragging minutes finding it difficult to do anything. 20 minutes lying on bed spent staring at the ceiling, I get up and walk downstairs to open the fridge, look inside and close it. I walk up to my room and lie down on the bed staring into nothingness again. I am tired but I refuse to sleep. For a moment, I want to sleep, the next moment, I don't want to move to make my bed. I am drifting by my days. Now that I have the time to do my own things, I do nothing.

Ah Ma fell down this morning.  I sat in the ambulance with Ah Ma as we made our way to the hospital.  The route was familiar. The sight of the ambulance was familiar.  The sound of the siren was familiar.  The entrance to the Emergency Room was familiar.  I walked in as if walking into a usual hang out spot.  The Red Room was sadly familiar. The sound of the machine beeping is calmly familiar.  I knew where to buy coffee. Where to get a sandwich. The carpark is familiar. The inevitable... is familiar.

I remember seeing a black and white photo of my dad holding a guitar seated atop a car under a covering of trees with the sun's light piercing through the green canvas above his head. He was wearing a nonchalant face, holding a chord with his left hand and a resting right. I recalled seeing a flower on the guitar by the side of daddy's right arm. Then I remembered the guitar that my daddy gave me. I vividly recalled a flower shaped like thing on the guitar which I thought was odd when I acquired it years ago. There was a shape of a flower somewhere on the guitar oddly familiar with the one I see in the black and white photograph. I had to find out. I took out the guitar and there it was, the shadow left behind by what once was a flower sticker of some sort. The shape remains. Leaving an everlasting footprint visible through the sands of time. I opened the box that contained my daddy's life. I took out the yellowed paper holder and the first photograph that appeared out was ...

On the guitar you gave me. The one with the flower sticker on it.

Hi Daddy. Today, koko arranged for guys to come and fix the automatic gate. They installed a motor that is welded to our existing left gate. Mummy is so happy. The cost was RM1700 and mummy wanted to pay for it. It is so easy and convenient for us to park the car now and enter the house. It would be nice if you were here to see it. The little rascal is coming to stay with us tomorrow night at our house. He still asks about you. Wondering if you would return from your space ship strong and ready to carry him. I miss you.

I wanted space. I wanted to have my own time to do my own things. I wanted to be alone. Now I have space. Now I have my own time to do my own things. But now I am alone.

The moment my eyes open and light floods into my soul. A wind of air comes in and shakes me awake from the peaceful illusion of sleep. I lie on my bed and stare into space, eyes not focusing on anything. In this moment I think to myself,  "Fuck. It's another day." All I want is to fall back to sleep.

This evening we took a walk. You were wearing your new oversized long sleeves t-shirt with white and green stripes. It's from the photo you showed me months ago. You were wearing that nice black shorts that looks like a mini skirt. Your feet were protected by your black slippers with floral art. On the right of your hair was something different that you've been wearing lately. A spiral lock of hair neatly tied on the side of your face. The pair of lightning earrings empower your face and lights you up like a summer's evening.  Can we do this together? You said. In my silenced tears lie the answer.  The last thing we will do together is to keep us apart.  You walked happily ahead of me in a stride that made it seem you were almost skipping. You turned around and smiled at me.  Why the hell do you look so beautiful standing there asking me to let us go. 

My eyes, they stare into the distant. My thoughts, piercing through concrete. I feel nothing except the awful feeling of wanting to escape. My thoughts, they are chasing me. I run. But yet they still come after me. I want to escape. I want to numb my feelings with distraction. Feelings of anguish and shame. But I can't do anything. I don't want to do anything. Movies and music used to be my comfort.  But I do not want them anymore. Where music once moved me, it now paralyses me. I sit and I stare into nothingness. I walk aimlessly.  I become restless. I lie on the bed. I sit on the chair. I lie on the floor and I lean on the wall.  I sleepwalk through my days and refuse to sleep at night. But yet I long for the short death of sleep. For when sleep brings me away, my thoughts go silent. At least for a little while. I wake and I regret waking up. I want to sleep again.  I can't smile. I can't... feel.  No excitement. No sadness.  No thrills. No regret. Only e...

Something has been taken from deep inside of me. A secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see. Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away. Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've play. If I could change I would, take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could stand back and take the blame I would I would take all my shame to the grave. Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past Bringing back these memories I wished I didn't have Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back And never moving forward so there'd never be a past.

Hi Daddy. Where are you? I have just finished one round at Taman Rakyat. I collected a few mosquito bites. I climbed the stairs at the midpoint. Remember how we used to run here a lot? I remember trying to catch up with you sometimes. What did we talk about when we walked? I don't remember much about having conversations with you. Daddy.  Where are you? I miss you so much.  I fucking miss you. I am seated at the stairs by the pond. Can you come and sit beside me? And buy me ice cream later? Where are you, Daddy? Can I have a little more time with you? I would like to talk to you. I am in a very bad place now. I am very lost, daddy. Where are you, daddy? Help me.

This was the day I lost the magic in my life. Smiling now takes a lot of effort and wearing a mask isn't easy anymore. I find myself utterly disgusted at myself. I can't look into the mirror anymore. In the mirror is an empty soul drifting in the wind of change.  I am scared. I am afraid. I am lost.  I am without passion. I have lost magic.