Losing Magic ... Finding Miracle.

Daddy. Jo. Evening. Ah Ma. Pak Pak. Partner.

6am. A call came. Master Hearing. The voice said. We were separated in another room. Ten minutes later. We walked into a tense room.  I could almost read it. Then it became a blur. All I heard. Was the word. Termination. To Laugh While Crying. Also.  There was a light. Three versions of a birthday song. Chinese, English and Korean. Made me smile.  This glow.

Daddy, I visited Pak Pak during my short hours of shore leave.  I sat on the bench beside him. He could still walk a little.  He sat on my left.  I don't think I've ever talked to him before. Not like this. I asked him if he was scared. He said he was worried. I didn't know how to continue the conversation. But I really wanted to ask him what was he worried about. Then I told him that I am separated. I told him I with this girl who's in America now. Showed him a photo of her. He didn't say anything. In fact, he didn't talk much. His mind wasn't really focused. I guess there's really a lot going on that time. But I felt so happy telling him this. I felt like I was talking to you.  He is the first to know about my new story. And won't be the last.

8:46pm. Pak Pak has gone to be with you. Last Friday when my ship docked, I went to be with Pak Pak. He was lying in an all too familiar hospital bed in the middle room of the house I grew up in. Frail and thin. Blue sheets. The sound of the beeping machine. Tubes. Emergency button. Pillows.  I sat beside him and held his hand. I thanked him for taking care of me when I was little. He always bought batteries for me to play on the yellow Gameboy. He made sure I was never out of batteries.  I looked at the photographs displayed around in the house and travelled back through time. The white gate remained unchanged. I was in two of the photographs. I remember one very much. Yellow Kiki Lala shirt sitting in between Pak Pak and Ah Ma. We were all so young. Full with life. Full with years. Full with possibilities. Full with dreams. Full with time. But as we count on, we count down too don't we? Each day that passes is a step upwards in the mountain of life as our candle burns on dow...

  Daddy. I haven’t wrote to you in a while. I miss you. I miss you very much.    This morning I woke up to a message from Ah Keong Koko.    Pak Pak is diagnosed with prostate cancer… He has been in and out of hospital. He doesn’t understand what’s happening to him and is losing fragments of his memory.   Just over a month ago, we were celebrating Pak Pak’s birthday. I looked at him and I see your face. He looked happy. Everyone was around. All the family were together. All of us.    The reality of life is hitting me hard today. I realize that in the end, all of us fade away with time.   I am doing good with my career. I am okay. I have found a girl whom I am very in love with. She brings me new light in this very painful season of life. I want to be with her.    I am in a new ship now. I wished I could bring you here with me. I am planning to bring Mummy and Koko family to come onboard.  The other day we were in a mall choosing...