Losing Magic ... Finding Miracle.

Hello Daddy. We are in Koko's house now. The kids were so damn happy opening their presents. We bought a lot of gifts for them. Their laughter is lighting up the house. We had a nice dinner. There was chicken, salad, mussels, sausages, cheese, fruits. You would have love them. Last year you made cheese fondue with us.  I miss you. So much. So so much, Daddy.  It would have been lovely to celebrate tonight with you.  I am bringing Mummy for Christmas brunch tomorrow. And we will stay in Kl tomorrow night. This is our first Christmas without you.

I broke my pair of glasses in school (again). You brought me to get a new pair at a shop near our house. I was worried whether we could get it in time because we had a movie booked later in the afternoon. When we finally got it, I was extremely happy. I was happy for two things.  I got a new pair of glasses. And we were going to watch Spiderman. Tonight I watched the latest Spiderman movie. In a pivotal scene, the first Spiderman (Tobey Mcguire) appeared. The first Spiderman. The one that you brought me to watch.  Memory of that afternoon wearing my new glasses came to me. In that moment, I missed you again. I wished beautiful moments like this lasted forever. I wished there was a machine that could help me relive those moments.  Tomorrow, Koko and I are bringing Mummy to Genting. We will bring you too. And put some of your ashes in the mountains.  Remember we used to go to Genting to watch magic shows? My first magic show in my life was with you. You brought me to m...

, said Koko while we were having dinner tonight.  He said. We were at home. I was sitting on the floor near the door there. Reading newspaper. You (me) were lying down on the wooden chair there watching TV. Mummy was wiping dishes/table. Then Daddy came home and I opened the door. He said something and pointed to somewhere asking where is that? I told him that I brought it to my house. Then I asked Daddy. How are you? He said he is okay and fine. He don't look thin. He looked like when he was plum and healthy.  Mummy also dreamt of you a few nights ago. You brought her on a holiday to China. You were somewhere and suddenly you were lost from the group and everyone. You were scared. Suddenly. Daddy appeared and said, "Ah I found you." Daddy came to find me. I was so happy to see him.  Daddy. Where are you?

Daddy, Last weekend we went to Genting. Kaufu, Koko and I. We accompanied Kaufu to the casino to play Roulette. I put in RM200 to play some of your numbers. 7, 21, 28.  I remember accompanying you at the casino in the ship.  That night, we won quite a lot of money. Koko and I each put in RM400 and we got each RM2400.  Not bad huh :)  Wished you were with us...

Daddy. I keep looking through your phone. So I can hear you speak. To me.

Nights seem so long. Days seem too short. I used to long for quietness.  But I now long for company. A shoulder to rest on. Some conversations. To fill this deafening silence. That I once wanted so much.

What a beautiful date today. Two. One two. Two one.  She said to me with the loveliest smile. We were on our way to sign our separation papers.  She was full of light as we held hands and wrote the pages of our chapter and started the pages of our next. Together. Apart.